Update
“Cancer gave me an understanding of the point of all this. To survive. Most of our lives it is easy but for the moments when it becomes difficult, when accident or sickness or sadness strikes, it's just about remembering one thing. You must simply survive.”
― Shaun Hick
I am going to make this post a brief one, for now. No photos, no inspirational quotes. Just brutal honesty.
I’m more than a bit numb and my mind has been shutting down on me lately due to being sick, overwhelmed and so tired. I have had dissociative disorder for much of my life, due to childhood abuse. It’s not a “bad” thing, necessarily. It protects me when I feel unsafe or overwhelmed and I feel both right now.
Long story short, a recent ct scan done on my stomach area shows at least 9 metastatic lesions on my liver. I have been having intense pain under my ribs for the past couple of weeks, a different pain than I have ever had. I am in pain 24/7 and have learned to push through much of it, but not this pain. The cancer has spread in such a short time. My last PET scan done in October showed a clear liver.
That changed quickly.
I now have cancer in my left breast, my right lung and in my liver.
And I have a damaged heart that might not withstand any of the treatments being offered to me at this time.
I am not sure if I will be getting my heart surgery now or not. The cancer is spreading too quickly so I am putting the brakes on and having a face to face with my cardiologist, oncologist and internist. I need them all on the same page and as is, they haven’t been communicating well with each other, if at all.
If they cannot treat me quickly and schedule appointments months out, like they have been doing all along, I may have to travel downstate to get a plan set up, I have no idea. I’m very tired but I am going to do my best to get a handle on all of this. I doubt if our vehicle is up to multiple trips to U of M, and I have so many risks to weigh. Too many.
I need all of the help I can get to get through this. Not just donations, which is a given because my bills are mounting, the gas funds are dwindling and I also have to get Mojo in to be seen for more cyst removals. I know all too well that letting them grow too large does not end up well.
What I need and deserve most is a healthcare system that isn’t broken. A healthcare system that doesn’t cause patients with serious and terminal diseases to wait so damn long to get an appointment or a procedure. Granted, I am in a rural area which makes things 10x slower, but there is no excuse for how my cancer has been handled. Or, more accurately, not been handled. It’s frustrating and maddening and unless you have experienced the mess that our countrys healthcare system is in (and has been in for decades), it would take hours to explain how very broken it is. It is a complete shambles and it is getting worse.
I will post another update when I have more answers. I’m admittedly a bit shut down right now. I am so mentally exhausted that when I walked up to a medical office desk last week to get some information, I wandered around the halls for over 5 minutes when I went to return to my exam room. I had completely forgotten which exam room I was in. I was and still am not in what I would call a good space. Fear washes over me in waves, as does frustration and sadness. Then I find the energy to pick myself up again and keep trying. I don’t know how to just give up. I have too much to live for to do that. But I’m so exhausted and tired of hurting. Something needs to change and change quickly.
Thank you for being here. For caring enough to read about this really messed up journey I find myself stuck in. It means more than I can put into words.
Peace.
*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts and wishes. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment
