Weighted Down

Watercolor sketch of the bluejays I watch out my bedroom window every day.

Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,  

even in the leafless winter,

even in the ashy city.

I am thinking now

of grief, and of getting past it;

I feel my boots

trying to leave the ground,

I feel my heart

pumping hard. I want

to think again of dangerous and noble things.

I want to be light and frolicsome.

I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing, 

as though I had wings.

-Mary Oliver

So much has transpired since my last post.
I had a visit with my much loved cardiologist. (That may sound odd, but I truly do love him and think of him as a friend and part of my small family.) He reluctantly shelved the heart valve procedure, but he made it clear that this is not the ideal situation. The aromatase inhibitors come with the risk of heart failure, so I would be walking on very shaky ground as my heart is already working so hard to pump so little.

So I tried taking the hormone suppressant Arimidex for 5 or 6 days. I immediately had a strong reaction to it and very bizarre side effects. Severe dizziness that was causing me to stumble and fall against my walls, killer headaches, blisters on my tongue and body, high blood pressure with arrhythmia and tachycardia, and it made me feel manic. I could not rest. I could not eat. Just the smell of food made me nauseous. So I called the oncologist on call yesterday and he advised me to go off it stat. He felt I was having an allergic reaction.
I felt like a new person yesterday. It was definitely the medicine. I am at the point where I do not know what is causing what. Is it the cancer? Is it the medicine? Am I just so stressed out that my body is overwhelmed? It’s most likely all of the above.

I also had an ultrasound of my pancreas area, as it is extremely painful and I am retaining fluid in that area. The test showed swelling, a mass and a lump. That’s all so far. The cancer word was not included, at least not yet.

I am so very weak and tired, and a nurse suggested bringing hospice in. She assured me that it didn’t mean end of life care, that it would bring in help I sorely need. So I set up an appointment, but as soon as I found out I would have to hand all of my treatment over to nurses rather than my health care team and stop all cancer and heart treatments I called and cancelled them. While I sorely need the help, I am not ready to wave the white flag of surrender. I am still going to try and fight this.

I have an appointment with my oncologist next Friday and hopefully he will have other options available for me to try. I want to at least slow this down because it is spreading at such a fast rate.

Not having the horrible symptoms cheered me up yesterday. I finally was able to sleep. I could eat I got out in the yard with Mojo for a brief breath of fresh air.
I haven’t journaled in well over two months, nor wrote any haiku. I haven’t picked up my paintbrushes in much longer than that.
I did all three things yesterday. While I should have been concerned about not being able to take a medication I sorely need in my cancer arsenal, I felt lighter. The side effects overwhelmed me fast.

So that is where I am at today. My cousin is coming over to visit and I’m looking forward to spending some time with her. I’m trying so very hard to lighten this crazy heavy load and participate in the things that bring me joy. My goal is to stay out of the hospital, and hopefully I can do that. I am still searching for a way to bring help into my home, but until I do, we’re all doing the best we can.
Peace.

*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts and wishes. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment