A Tender Place

“Gardens have the magic to heal. When one is grieving, nature’s smile is a tender place to be.”
― Donna Goddard

Time seems to have passed quickly since I last shared a post here. In between medical appointments and procedures, I’ve been spending as much time as I can outdoors, tending our flower gardens and spending time with the migrant birds that I love so well. This is one of the first springs since we moved to this area that we didn’t venture up to the hills north of us in search of morels and wildflowers, but I simply did not have the energy this year. I tire easily and any exertion causes me to loose my breath quickly.

Fortunately, we don’t have to travel far to enjoy the magic of spring migration. I’ve sat out many nights listening to the courtship display of American Woodcock, and even watched a very large bat gleaning insects over a swampy area on one of those evenings. That was such a kick! They’re such excellent fliers and simply amazing to watch. Our property is teeming with many migrants and nesting birds that I can watch from my front door. Since the trees have leafed out, I can’t see many of the migrants that are passing through, but I know their voices as well as I know my own- and I treasure each one of them. They’re all such sweet medicine and so healing to my often worried mind.

As has been the case for far too long, I have had too much time on my hands to think about too many serious health issues. So, along with my daily journaling and painting, I turned to my library. I’m mostly a reader of novels and poetry, but I have had a wonderful book, Make Ink: A Foragers Guide to Natural Inkmaking resting in my Kindle for several years, so after watching a well done and engaging inkmaking course by the wonderful artist Auria Bohn, I decided to try my hand at making a few simple inks. I have a copper acetate ink started out in our garage, and a beautiful red cabbage ink forming in our fridge that should be ready to use in a few days. I have other inks planned for the future and I’m excited to see where this process will take me. Since I love foraging for flowers and plants, the possibilities are endless. I sorely need the distraction of trying new things and keeping my hands busy. When my hands are busy, my mind is more focused on the task right in front of me. I do practice meditation often, but some days I just need to learn something new.

As far as my health, I have had several appointments and procedures since I last posted. A recent heart CT, in preparation for the aortic valve replacement and I will be meeting with my heart surgeon next week. A heart cath will be scheduled before my surgery is set up, so he will be able to determine the best way to insert the valve stent. It will either be placed through my leg or my chest and I’m really hoping that it will be doable through my leg, as my chest needs a bit of a break. Especially since the recent PET scan showed the tumor in my right lung has doubled in size. It is metabolic in nature, which is a marker for cancer, but my oncologist has left the practice where I met with him and is now practicing in Ann Arbor. That has left me without an oncologist (again) and a referral to a thoracic surgeon has not happened yet. The oncologist didn’t have time to get that taken care of, I guess. So I will be meeting with a third oncologist sometime in the future, although I have no idea where or who that may be yet. I need a biopsy done on the mass before anything can be set up for that issue, but my cardiologist has already made it clear that I cannot have any further surgeries or treatments until my heart is repaired.

All of this is so very overwhelming if I allow myself to dwell on it too very long. Our resources have been hit so hard this spring, with a new furnace having to be installed when our old one bit the dust and Mojo’s two surgeries so very close together. Thankfully I was able to set up a credit account for both emergencies, but realistically we did not have the breathing room to do either. Funds for a dog sitter or gas often means taking our returnable cans to the corner store for cash. Somehow, we are getting by, but many days it feels like it is just barely getting by. The worry is always there. Always. The constant hope of ‘please, don’t let anything else break down this week because I have no idea how we will fix it’ is a reality. I know that worry is detrimental to my already poor health, but there are days that I just want to curl up in a ball and not deal with any of this, or answer yet another call from a medical person, or fill out yet another application for assistance that will invariably be turned down because we are not completely destitute. Some days I feel as if I’m coping with it all well. Other days, not so much. The mass in my lung is quite painful now, a constant reminder that I have yet another thing that needs to be dealt with before I will hopefully feel some relief or regain my strength . Self care has never been more important to me and for me than it is right now. I feel quite tender and more than a bit beat up.

I’m forever thankful that I have such a supportive and loving spouse. I’m thankful that I have a lifelong deep connection with nature that nurtures me in ways that nothing else can, and a wonderful furry companion that makes me smile on the hardest days. No matter what lies ahead, those are the things I can always count on. I think that is the one thing I have always loved most about birds. Each and every spring, they keep their promise to return again with their bright happy songs and beautiful plumage colors. Consistent and dependable.
I can hear a Warbling Vireo singing right out my window as I type, and his melodious invitation to listen is the one thing I am sure of at this moment. It is a gift, a balm to my senses.
And for now, right here and now.. that is enough.

Peace.

*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment

Let’s Try This Again

An Uncertain Spring