Let’s Try This Again

Our Happy Place, Rifle River Recreation Area

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

I haven’t had the energy to post any updates in quite some time, so here’s a brief synopsis since my last post.
I met with my thoracic surgeon on the 8th of last month. I really liked this surgeon. He was upbeat, intelligent and explained everything well. I need a lung biopsy of the tumor in my right lung, but unfortunately the hospital that he practices at does not have the specialized equipment to do the type of biopsy I need, where they will put me under general anesthesia and go into my lung via my throat to obtain tissue from the mass. He wrote up a referral to another thoracic surgeon further downstate and I left his office feeling quite hopeful and positive. He assured me that the tumor is still small and if it is malignant, there are treatment options that aren’t too very drastic and are doable considering my other health issues.

Two days later I woke up with a fever, shivering and feeling like I had fallen down a long flight of stairs. Then my bowels turned to water. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without it going straight through my very cramped and sore bowels. I thought I must have caught some type of stomach bug while at the hospital so I toughed it out at home for 4 more miserable days, then became so weak that I feared I would faint or fall… or both. So I went to our local ER.
After a ct scan, they diagnosed me with acute diverticulitis. After receiving iv antibiotics, I was sent home with meds and instructions to stick to a liquid diet. I continued to become weaker so two days later we drove downstate where I was admitted to a hospital. After a week of numerous tests and continuous fluids and IV antibiotics, they released me to return home to continue my meds and rest. I think Mojo was convinced I had left for good this time and he hasn’t left my side long since returning home. That’s fine with both of us. :)

The pain isn’t letting up, so I checked in with my internist, who prescribed 10 more days of antibiotics. Bloodwork showed I was close to anemic and my body is still fighting off this painful inflammation. Her thoughts are that stress is playing a major part in keeping it flared up, which makes perfect sense. I received at least 3 phone calls from my specialists wanting to schedule me for multiple procedures and appointments even while laying in a hospital bed.

I also met with my radiologist that day, and he is very anxious for me to get the lung biopsy done asap. He explained that it is early enough that the tumor is more than likely stage 1 cancer and treatable. His fears are that if it progresses to a higher stage, it would put me at great risk, as I am not a good candidate for chemo or having an entire lobe of my lung removed.

So that’s where things stand as of today. I will be seeing my cardio surgeon next Monday, but unfortunately it will not be to set up my aortic valve replacement. It will be to obtain clearance for the lung biopsy. I’m also scheduled to see a gastroenterologist the last week of this month as something is still very off.

I feel as if I have missed most of my favorite season with so much medical chaos happening pretty much weekly for so long. I didn’t have enough strength to do much more than take quick 5 minute walks around our property once I returned home from the hospital. I lost 15 pounds in a very short time and I still tire so easily.

We finally made it over to our favorite park for a short hike and a bit of trail riding. So many birds are still singing on territory and butterflies, wildflowers and mushrooms were abundant. I needed to get outdoors in nature more than I needed anything else and I’m looking forward to getting out there again soon, in between the ongoing medical appointments. It’s my most healing medicine and always has been.

Soaking up some much needed nature.

I had stopped my daily journaling and even my daily haiku writing until last night. My hands had been shaking so badly that my writing was almost unreadable. But I made an entry last night and that felt damn good. It felt normal. It felt familiar and focused. I didn’t write about my medical problems, as I am so so weary of all of that. I chose to write about what keeps me tied to this beautiful world that I am fighting so damn hard to live in, despite how totally drained I am, physically, mentally and financially. There is still SO much to be grateful for. Still so many reasons to keep taking baby steps.

-Journal entry: 7/14/23
Fireflies flashing in the darkening woods as an eastern wood pewee calls his final notes. He’s always the last to sing each night.

Since he dwells high in the tree canopy I rarely see him, but his song is so soothing and sweet.

It’s the little things.
It’s always the little things.

Peace.

*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment