Plot Twist

Self explanatory :)

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu

This has been one of those rollercoaster weeks.

<cue the first plot twist>
I was scheduled to have my second surgery this Wednesday and have been preparing to finally get it done. Dog sitter lined up, admission papers filled out, needed items gathered, etc. Then Sunday, a large cyst that Mojo had quickly developed on his neck burst and he required an unplanned visit to his vet yesterday. I had planned on a grocery pick up followed by meal preps, but it was something that couldn’t be put off.

My ptsd mind often goes to the worst case scenario, something that is ingrained in my thought process. Trauma does that. When a person doesn’t have much time to heal from one traumatic event before they are presented with another, we tuck the trauma away in order to cope with what is right in front of us - but those past traumas affect our behavior and our thoughts along the way.

<cue the “what if?” mindset>
I immediately began to worry about what I was going to do if he needed surgery. I wouldn’t be able to care for him well with two new incisions of my own and he is still somewhat fearful of men, even my husband. at times. He has his own trauma going on in his handsome head. I had pretty much made up my mind that if he did require surgery, I would simply have to push my surgery date out. I didn’t have many other options and caring for our dogs has always been a priority with me.

He thankfully didn’t need surgery, just an in-office procedure and a big bottle of antibiotics, so I was more than a bit relieved that he was ok and that I could move forward with my own surgery.

<cue the next plot twist>
An hour after returning home, I received a call from a nurse that works with my anesthesiologist. She related how he was concerned about me having the surgery done in an outpatient cancer surgical center rather than a fully equipped and staffed hospital, due to the issues with my heart. She basically wanted me to know that there was a good chance that I may arrive at the surgical center and be turned down for surgery that day if he wasn’t comfortable putting me under.

So, rather than taking the risk of that happening, I asked her to switch gears and please find an opening for me at the hospital. I felt ungrounded again, but realized that it is much better to be safe than sorry. Mentally preparing for any major surgery is a bit of work, and this surgery will be much more invasive than the last, so I do appreciate that they are being so very cautious.

I still do not have a surgery date yet. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow. Maybe not.

The waiting has been the roughest part of this entire process. Appointments have been pushed out, procedures have been rescheduled and it is all out of my hands. Nothing functions the way it used to in the medical world, absolutely nothing. Staff has been cut, jobs have been lost and the medical staff that remains is weary and rightly so. My cardiologist called me a few weeks ago, when their office mistakenly put the wrong time for my appointment in to the system, so I arrived after the doctor had left. He apologized profusely and explained that they have so many new patients in the past year (unfortunately, one of the side effects of a covid infection is often a damaged heart) and shared that his staff had been cut by over 30 percent. That is a heck of a cut. While getting my normally simple and quick covid test last week, a new admissions clerk was being trained by another clerk and then when I finally made my way to the lab, it was the same scenario. A new lab tech was being trained on the job by another tech. It’s just how things are now.

So this isn’t just about me. We tend to personalize events, but I’m not the only one who is stressed out and weary. The entire medical community is, and I really try to remember that and not take these plot twists personal. I’m not being singled out. They’re all doing the best they can. But, when metastatic cancer is spreading in your body, the only body you have, it isn’t always easy to do. If I had my way, it would have been taken out of me months ago and I would be well on my way with chemo infusions.

If I’ve learned one thing over the years, it’s that everything eventually works out and it does so in it’s own time and not necessarily my time.
(basically a note to self to be repeated as needed)