No Feeling is Final
White-tailed deer browsing above grocery pickup parking lot.
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
I’ve completed my first week of radiation treatments. The first few visits were quite long and painful, as the techs have to mark and measure the treatment area very precisely. I’m not ashamed to admit that tears streamed down my face during most of the first visit. I was on the table for over 35 minutes. That feels like forever when previously broken ribs on both sides of your body are screaming in pain. I focused on my breathing and visualized every single cancer cell being in complete agony, because I reasoned if I felt that much pain, surely those cells must be in hell. Right where they belong. I managed to get through the session without moving, which is not as easy as it sounds. I know from past radiation treatments on my eye that one must hold absolutely still or they often have to start the process all over again, so despite the pain, I held completely still. Despite my own self doubt, I did it.
Each session is becoming easier, and the time on the table is shorter with each visit. The vertigo is also becoming less intense. That may be due to the positioning I am doing each day while there. Treatment for meniere’s disease includes moving the head in purposely uncomfortable positions to move the calcium deposits in the inner ear. The thought is that doing this will eventually force the crystals to an area in the ear that doesn’t cause such severe dizziness. Whatever the cause, I’m grateful for that bit of reprieve, no matter how small.
All of my session times have been set up for very late in the afternoon, so I’m able to sleep in and get enough rest before we’re off to the center again. It also gives me enough time to retain some sense of normalcy in our day. I can still prepare good meals to eat after returning home and get a few household chores completed without feeling rushed or hurried. It is still light enough to watch the deer that graze on a hill above the Meijer grocery pickup lot. Moments of beauty and I’ll take them anywhere I can find them. I also get a break on the weekends, which is a godsend. I have time to take Mojo for walks, to paint and sketch and to read good books. To take long naps, if that is what is needed. All so wonderfully ordinary.
The most important aspect of these treatments is I finally feel as if I am doing something tangible and proactive to kick the cancer cells that still remain in my body to the curb. My surgeries did not leave me with that feeling, as all testing showed that cancer still remains, despite those painful operations.
Today, I am feeling gratitude for so much, including the technology that is helping me in my fight against cancer. I have so many other health issues where I’ve been told “sorry, there is no known cause nor treatment for this disease”. Not this time. This time I have an arsenal of weapons to help me in my fight, and that is not a small thing.
Peace.
*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment
