Embracing Silence

Stairs to Crater Lake, Oscoda County MI.

“As deep as I ever went into the forest
I came upon an old stone bench, very, very old,
and around it a clearing, and beyond that
trees taller and older than I had ever seen.

Such silence!
It really wasn’t so far from a town, but it seemed
all the clocks in the world had stopped counting.
So it was hard to suppose the usual rules applied.

Sometimes there’s only a hint, a possibility.
What’s magical, sometimes, has deeper roots
than reason.
I hope everyone knows that.

I sat on the bench, waiting for something.
An angel, perhaps.
Or dancers with the legs of goats.

No, I didn’t see either. But only, I think, because
I didn’t stay long enough.”
(Mary Oliver)

I have been dealing with multiple health issues since my last update; serious health conditions that have drained me of physical and mental energy both despite a month of iron infusions to help with anemia. The infusions had very little effect, for whatever reason.

After another PET scan earlier this month, my pulmonary surgeon called and asked that I come in to see him asap. I met with him this past Monday and his normally cheerful demeanor had changed. He said right off the bat that he is very worried about me, but assured he is there for me 24/7 and will help me get through what lies ahead.
What lies ahead is very complex and daunting. The tumor in my lung has doubled in size and I now have cancerous appearing lymph nodes in that same lung. There is also suspicious activity going on in my left breast, the breast that I have had two cancer removal surgeries on. That breast has been hard and painful since my radiation treatments. My internist feels I have lymphedema in the breast, but something else is showing up on my scans. Something all too familiar.

I am still dealing with very serious heart issues. I have seen my cardiologist numerous times since my last post and am scheduled for a heart cath next Monday. He fears I may have another blockage as I am still very weak and out of breath quickly with any strenuous activity. My pulse rate is almost always at 120, and I’m in arrhythmia more often than not. He has to deal with any artery issues before I can be scheduled for the aortic valve replacement.

So I will be going in for a lung biopsy after I am cleared by my cardiologist. Since the tumor is in a very hard to reach place, he plans on doing biopsies of the lymph nodes. If they are malignant, and he is pretty sure they are, I will get a treatment plan and go from there. I do not have an oncologist yet, as my last oncologist left his practice and is now down in Ann Arbor, which is a very long drive for us. I will also be seeing a new breast surgeon since the first two surgeons dropped the ball. The first was more concerned about leaving me a “nice scar” rather than removing all of the cancer and the second left me laying in the recovery room for 1 1/2 hours with a large hematoma after my surgery before rushing me in for a second surgery that day. My trust factor with both surgeons is lower than low.

This has all been so very frustrating and taxing. Endless tests, endless procedures. The stress of finding new health care professionals when my former team drops the ball or relocates is huge.

Mojo keeping watch. :)

Fall is my favorite season, and we have gotten out for short rides and even shorter hikes on the days when I have a bit of strength. Nature always has been and still is my saving grace. My medicine. I take comfort in the silent woods as often as I can. My overwhelmed mind craves that silence in the company of those that have stood watch over me throughout this journey to wellness. I’ll get there, it’s just taking much longer than I had hoped.
Peace.

*I have a GoFundMe account to help us afford transportation for so very many medical appointments and a mountain of medical bills. Any and all donations are appreciated as well as your good thoughts. My heartfelt gratitude to those who have made this a bit less difficult.
GoFundMe For Cancer Treatment